The Perfect Life Crisis: When Everything Looks Right But Feels So Wrong
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You have the degree your parents wanted. The job title that impresses at dinner parties. The relationship your friends approve of. The life that looks perfect on paper.
So why are you awake at 3 AM with a crushing feeling in your chest, wondering if this is really it?
You're doing everything "right" according to everyone around you. But you can't shake the feeling that you're living someone else's dream instead of your own.
Sound familiar?
What you need to know
Here's what most people don't understand about living out of alignment: You can't build abundance on a foundation of other people's expectations.
It doesn't matter how successful you look. It doesn't matter how many boxes you've checked. It doesn't matter how proud everyone else is of you.
If you've spent years building a life based on what you think you should want instead of what you actually want, your body knows. Your soul knows.
And that 3 AM anxiety? That's not random. That's your inner wisdom screaming that something is fundamentally off.
The Real Cost of Living for External Approval
When you're making life decisions based on what others expect, you're not living—you're performing.
This shows up as:
Decisions made from fear, not clarity - "What will they think?" becomes more important than "What do I want?"
Complete exhaustion - Maintaining a version of yourself that isn't real drains your energy faster than anything else
Lost connection to yourself - You can't answer "What do I want?" because you've been asking "What should I want?" for so long
Relationships based on performance - People love the version you're presenting, not the real you
Physical symptoms - Anxiety, insomnia, that heavy feeling in your chest that won't go away
And here's the part that keeps you stuck: somewhere along the way, you stopped knowing what you actually want. The conditioning runs so deep that your own desires have gone silent.
Why This Hits Projectors and Reflectors Especially Hard
If you're a Projector (like me) or a Reflector, this conditioning cuts even deeper.
We're designed to be deeply attuned to others. We're built to pick up on what people want and need—that's our gift. We're here to guide and reflect in specific ways.
But that gift becomes a trap when you can't distinguish between what others want for you and what you actually want for yourself.
Your openness to others becomes the very thing that keeps you from hearing your own truth.
The Integration: Breaking Free Without Burning It All Down
In this week's episode, I walk you through exactly how to start choosing yourself without blowing up your entire life.
Because here's what I want you to understand: breaking free from external expectations isn't about rebellion. It's not about disappointing everyone or proving something.
It's about coming home to yourself. And that starts with recognizing where your decisions are actually coming from.
The Four Phases of Breaking Free
Phase 1: Recognize the Conditioning
Start noticing where your decisions are coming from. When you're making a choice, pause and ask: "Is this what I want, or is this what I think I should want?"
Listen for the word "should" in your self-talk. That's usually external conditioning speaking, not your inner wisdom.
Phase 2: Connect with Your Authority
Your Human Design Authority is your inner guidance system—the way you're designed to make decisions that are correct for you.
But you can't hear it when you're drowning in everyone else's opinions. Learning to honor your authority instead of external expectations changes everything.
Phase 3: Regulate Your Nervous System
You can't make clear, aligned decisions when your nervous system is in fight-or-flight mode. When you're constantly worried about approval, managing anxiety, or fearing disappointment, you're not accessing your wisdom—you're operating from survival.
Regulation creates the internal space you need to hear yourself again.
Phase 4: Start Small (But Start)
You don't have to quit your job and start over tomorrow. Start with one small decision that honors what you want instead of what others expect.
Each small act of choosing yourself builds your capacity for bigger aligned choices.
Try This: The "If Nobody Was Watching" Exercise
Before you move on from this post, complete this sentence:
"If I wasn't worried about what anyone else thought, I would __________."
Write down whatever comes up. Don't edit it. Don't judge it. Don't rationalize it away. Just write it.
That answer is your starting point.
Now ask yourself: What's one small step I can take towards this today?
Not tomorrow. Not next week when you have more time. Not after you've figured everything out.
Today.
That's how transformation begins—not with massive leaps, but with one aligned choice at a time.
What to Expect When You Start Choosing Yourself
I'm not going to lie to you: when you start breaking free from external expectations, it's uncomfortable.
People might not understand. Some will be disappointed. Others will push back or try to pull you back into your old role.
Your nervous system might freak out because this conditioning runs deep. Your body might interpret choosing yourself as dangerous because it goes against everything you've been taught.
You might feel guilty. Selfish. Ungrateful. All those old stories will come up loud.
But here's what I need you to hear: that discomfort is a sign that you're growing.
You can't grow without change. And choosing yourself—really choosing yourself—takes genuine courage.
What's Waiting on the Other Side
When you move through the discomfort and start living in alignment with who you actually are, everything shifts:
Clarity - You know what you want because you're finally listening to yourself
Energy - You're no longer exhausting yourself trying to be someone you're not
Authenticity - You show up as yourself, not as the version you think others need
Opportunities that fit - The right doors open when you're aligned with who you actually are
Relationships built on truth - Connections where people see and love the real you
A life that feels like yours - You look around and actually recognize yourself in your own life
And honestly? It's worth every bit of discomfort to get there.
The Permission You've Been Waiting For
You have permission to want what you want.
You have permission to change your mind about the life you thought you wanted.
You have permission to disappoint others in service of becoming yourself.
Alignment isn't a luxury or some distant dream. Alignment is the prerequisite to abundance. And it's available to you right now.
You just have to choose yourself. Over and over again.
Listen to the Full Episode
In the Clarity Series finale of Worthy of Wealth, I dive deep into:
The real reason we live according to external expectations (hint: it's not weakness)
Why this pattern hits Projectors and Reflectors especially hard
The four-phase framework for breaking free without burning everything down
How to start making decisions from your authority instead of fear
What's actually possible when you stop living for approval
Listen Now:
What's Next?
If this conversation is hitting differently for you and you're ready to get clear on what you actually want—not what you think you should want—here's how I can support you:
Take the Clarity Quiz: Discover exactly where you are in your journey from confusion to clarity to prosperity, and get your next aligned step.
Book a Discovery Call: Let's talk about how your Human Design can help you break free from external expectations and start building a life that's actually yours.
This episode marks the finale of the Clarity Series on Worthy of Wealth. If you missed the earlier episodes, catch up on understanding the hidden cost of misalignment, working with your Human Design authority, and regulating your nervous system for confident decision-making.
About the Author:
Matalya Onuoha is a Human Design Strategist and Clarity-to-Prosperity Guide for Women & Teams. She helps women transform confusion into clarity and purpose into prosperity using Human Design, NLP, and somatic techniques. Host of the Worthy of Wealth podcast.
